Dear Old Me,
I am going to take a new approach to the way I have fought this demon. I want to be healthy and whole. Physically and spiritually. It has taken me a long time to get here. I am almost 37 years old and I have always fought the notion that turning my life over to a higher power was the answer. Well look where that has gotten me. So, I am going to try a new way. I would say wish me luck, but I have a feeling I won't need luck. That feels really good.
Truly hopeful,
The New You

Dear Old Me,

It has been over a year since I last wrote and I am afraid I have bad news. You have gained back a substantial amount of the 150 lbs you lost. Approximately 60 lbs to be exact. I swore I would not let this happen, but I have failed. It makes me so sad and upset with myself that I let this happen. I need to get my inspiration, my motivation back. Where did it go? I really haven't had the same focus that I used to. Everything just kind of stopped. I am determined to find it again. It will happen even if I die trying!

Until Next Time,
The New You

Dear Old Me,
It really is crazy for me to look at the photos above. I am still not 100% sure this has really actually happened. It has been about a year since I lost the majority of the weight. I have managed to create a lifestyle that maintains this huge weight loss and I have not gained a single pound back since I hit 185 lbs. But in my head, in the craziness of my brain I am still that fat girl. When I look at myself in the mirror I still see her. It is crazy considering this morning I picked up a pair of Gap cargos that are size 10, pulled them up with ease, zipped and buttoned them only to find out they are a little TOO BIG! But to me it still felt like I was pulling on a plus size 28. I know I need to get over this hurdle. I have been stuck for a year with at least 30 more pounds to lose. I know I have come so far and I have the potential to make it all the way, but I am just as scared and hopeless now as when I stepped on the scale at that Weight Watchers meeting back in 2009 weighing 327 lbs. Only now I am afraid I can't change some of the things about my body that I don't like. I am afraid that the loose skin around my mid-section, upper arms and mid-section is not going to go away. I am not sure I am strong enough to do some of the more challenging exercise that I know will have to happen to get me to my goal. I am afraid I have damaged my feet so horribly that I may never walk again without pain. I am really afraid, but I am determined. It seems like when it is my time I just make up my mind and make it happen. That is what happened when I quit smoking years ago. That is what happened when I finally lost the weight. Why can't it happen for me NOW!? I am frozen here in this place with the looming self-loathing fear that I am not good enough. I need to get over it NOW! But until I do, I will keep on posting. Even if it is just sporadically.

I posted this picture of my "before" and "sort-of after" on Facebook a couple weeks ago and I got a ton of positive response. 

Pretty dramatic if I do say so myself. It is surreal to look at sometimes because it is proof positive that I am half the size I used to be. But I know I am not where I want to be. I know I am not the best example that I could be. I need to inspire with my actions and not just with a picture posted on Facebook. I put myself out there now I need to back it up. So maybe a renewed desire to prove that I actually have lost this weight is just what the doctor ordered. People see this picture and then meet me in person, I want their expectations to be met. I want them to be impressed in real life. I want them to be inspired to change their lives as well. I need to find the encouraging, positive thoughts that back up this story that I am on. I have to stop slacking and barely doing the minimum. I am happy to have found a balance in maintaining the weight loss. I am happy to know that I only have to do Zumba 3 times a week to maintain. What I am not happy about is that I know I could be doing so much more. I am not happy that my belly still has a fat roll around it or that my triceps are still so floppy. I am not happy that I don't have the best form when I lead class and that I am losing my stamina. So, what do I do to change it? I am waiting for it to click and until then I am not giving up on what I have done so far! 

It has been a pretty crazy ride so far and I want to keep it going... remind me how you got going  in the beginning. What was it that clicked that day in the Summer of 2009 when you decided to change your life.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,
The New You

Zumba!

Good Riddance.

Dear Old Me,

Today marks the first day of a new beginning for me. That's what I am telling myself anyway. I feel something different about today. On my journey to the best ME I can be I have taken a little sojourn. Been slacking a little bit with my eating. Luckily I was smart enough to make exercise a absolute requirement. My classes are posted online I can't miss my workout. Not even a broken foot has kept me from my Zumba, but the food on the other hand? Well, that is what is about to change. I became even more convinced when I came across this photo last night...

                                                        2007 Approximately 280 lbs

I might have previously talked about it, but I am just blown away when I look at it. I have to say that I barely recognize you! The Old Me... I see it a little in the eyes, the dimples are unmistakable and I do recall thinking this outfit was "acceptable". But other than that, you are fading. Which isn't such a bad thing. Because in your place something else is emerging. A New You... A whole new you! Someone who is rich with love from all angles. Someone who is not afraid to be honest and no longer lies out of shame. Someone who knows how to overcome, to persevere. Someone who has stayed strong through the toughest of times. Someone who is able to get through even tougher times to come. Something great is taking your place and I couldn't be happier.

With that being said, I do have to remind you that you will make it happen when you are ready. You have to really, really want it.

I really, really want to live my life at my very healthiest weight. I want to conquer this relatively small task of losing this last bit of weight. Fifty. 50. Pounds... 50 pounds!!! I can do this!!! For hell's sake I have already lost almost 150! What is 50 more?

So, Old Me, when you're ready to really make it happen you need to be prepared to say goodbye to the person in that picture... Good riddance!

Love,
The New You

Dear Old Me,

I am really struggling with inspirartion for writing in this blog. I feel like I don't have much to say.

Love,

The New You

Doing it again...

Dear Old Me,

I have really had a rough few months. I hide it pretty well, but a lot of the time I am feeling really down. Depressed even. My weight loss has really halted. It hasn't gone up, thank god and it I have actually dropped about 5-10 pounds. But I am not in control of it. The only reason I think I haven't doubled in size is the 5 classes I am teaching each week and the planning and practicing. I knew I was doing something right when I became an instructor. You see, if you are the instructor you HAVE to go. You have no other choice. You really can't make excuses. I do love teaching. I really lose myself in it for an hour and I forget about everything else. It is a great escape.

So, my point here is that I am going to turn this rough few months around and finish the year loud and proud. I want to be to my goal weight of 150 pounds by New Years. It is totally attainable and I know I can do it. I have done this before and I can do it again.So here goes!!!

Until Next Time,

The New You

So Neglectful

Dear Old Me,

I have been so neglectful in posting to this blog. I know that when I do it helps me really work through the daily trials of my life. It helps me remember all of what I have done to get here. It reminds me that I must persevere and stay strong. So, I will begin to write again. For my own sanity and progress.

Love,

The New You

A new chapter...

Dear Old Me,

Tonight I taught my second Zumba class. It went really well. I see my dream becoming a reality right before my eyes and I stand amazed at the opportunity in front of me. The studio where I am teaching is perfect. I have a built in crew of adorable high school age girls from the studio and their moms. Tonight I mentioned how the girls would put us "old ladies" to shame and Jayme, one of the moms, responds "Where do you think they got it from?!" Haha! For sure! Could it get any cuter than that? They all seem very excited about coming back and sharing it with their friends. I am trying to not get to excited but I feel so blessed to have this group already supporting me. On top of that I get to see all of my friends from my other classes who are making a special effort to come out and friends from all parts of my life who haven't tried it before. I love the smiles at the end of class. I love the joy people get when they figure out that they are dancing and enjoying every second. I love the way Zumba continues to challenge even those who have done it for years but is easy enough to be done by the absolute novice.

Last Wednesday marked a new chapter in my life. I never dreamt that I could be where I am right now. I am so close to goal weight and teaching Zumba twice a week at a beautiful studio. This new chapter is taking me exactly where I want to be. I am proud but humbled by what has happened. I know that losing this weight has been a gift and I fully intend to continue to learn and grow so that I can share it with anyone and everyone who cares to listen. I know it is so hard to believe that it can happen. But it can. It does. You just have to believe it and keep with it. Keep with the happy and the weight will just slide off. Find the joy. I found it with dance and I let the happy I get in that 1 hour of Zumba infect the rest of my life. I have found a way to love the life I live and live the life I love all at the same time. It is a beautiful thing.

Oh, and here is a picture of your first class. How wonderful is that? I really am so grateful to everyone for coming out to support me. That night is one I will never, ever forget.

Until next time,

The New You

My inspiration

Dear Old Me,

There are many, many people who have inspired me to stay true to my goals along the way. The most important people have been my instructors. They inspire me and everyone around them and I could not be more grateful.

I have been neglectful in posting in this blog the last little bit which I always regret. The last few weeks have been some of the most amazing to me of any that have passed before. One experience in particular shows just how much our instructors inspire us.

Jamee teaches classes 5 times a week at Quickstep Ballroom Studio. Her sister who owns the studio recently had a concert for her students. It was an amazing time for everyone who got to see it. So professional and fun. Andrea had asked Jamee to recruit some of her students to perform a couple of routines during the show to give the kids some time to change. There would be no pay. It would be on a volunteer basis, but we needed to perform to the level expected in a concert like this. Even that being said 17 ladies willingly volunteered. We stayed after Zumba class for weeks and weeks and practiced and worked so hard to get the number right so we could do Jamee proud. All of us have busy schedules but we did this for Jamee because she inspires us. She makes us want to dance. We would have never done this if it was not for how amazing an instructor and person she is. I adore everything about her. The love of dance shows through in every routine I do in her class. She shows me how to use my creative side... Her routines are unique and complex but so much fun. There are so many times when I have been smiling so hard in her class that I feel like my face might break. It is a true sense of accomplishment when you finally nail a tough number or you finally get that dang 6 count phrase to an 8 count measure (not sure if I said that right) in that one merengue.

I taught my very first class on my own the other night (more to come on that later, I just gotta get caught up on everything else that has been happening). During the entire class I channeled Jamee's energy. I pictured her effortless instruction and kept my feet moving because I knew that is what she would be doing! I am so grateful to her for showing me how to be a better instructor and letting me record her routines to study. I appreciate her friendship and the way she is so willing to help me realize this incredible miracle in my life. There are many times where I felt so discouraged and thought there was no way I could ever do this. I felt insecure and like I would never get it and never be able to be an instructor. She never told me that I couldn't. She has always offered her encouragement and support. Even when my first class wound up being in conflict with her wonderful Wednesday night class she told me she didn't mind. She even promoted my class in hers... knowing it was at the same time as hers. I know she believes in me and that makes me work harder, feel stronger and it makes me believe. After my first class the owner of the studio offered me a second class each week... it just happens to be at the same time as one of Jamee's other classes. That is now two nights a week I am not going to be able shake it with Jamee!!! I am going to go into withdrawals. I love her and all of the wonderful ladies who are so dedicated because of her... I am going to have to make the most of her morning classes this summer!

Before our big debut at the concert all of the ladies got together for ONE shot. We only had a second and we had to nail it... I would say we did. The beauty in this picture runs so deep it is not even funny. Each one of these ladies is unique and beatiful in every way. I love them! BTW, Jamee is the one second from the right, with the hot knee-high converse. She is so freaking adorable I don't know what to even think!

We did a hip hop number in the black to Prrrm... an awesome song I do in my playlist and then a more Zumba obvious dance to a mix of Zumba music... here we are in those costumes. This pic makes my heart happy.

Jamee's schedule:
Mon 8:30pm-9:30pm / Wed 8:30pm-9:30pm and Tues / Thurs / Sat 8:30am-9:30am

Quickstep Ballroom Studio- 9524 South 500 West Sandy UT

 

I am eternally grateful. Love you Jamee!!!

 

Love,

The New You

It is possible. It will happen. I promise.

Dear Old Me,

I recently came across a picture that I think really shows how far I have come. Back in the day when I was so big I rarely had my picture taken. If I did I strategically placed myself in the back or cropped the photo so it was just my face. I wish I had more "before" pictures now. I am not proud of myself for getting so big. But I am proud of how far I have come. I am so grateful to Zumba and all of the support and inspiration I get from my friends and family. I believe that I will not backslide into obesity again because I found exercise that I love. Exercise that I would do for hours on end if I could (and sometimes do).

I am proud of my accomplishments but anytime I get too proud I remember that this is a gift. This is not just my weight loss journey. I feel I have a responsibility to share my story and help others change their lives as well. I have renewed passion this morning and I am committed to having my own Zumba class by the end of the month. I am going to research the different programs at the U and get my butt into school for a degree related to health and wellness. Not sure what it will be exactly. I have to finish my bachelors in marketing first, but that should be done this year so by the spring I can enroll at the U. I want this for life and I want to help anyone and everyone who will let me.

2007... I weighed about 280 lbs and the one below was June 4, 2011 (with my friend Susan), I weighed 165 lbs. 20 lbs to goal and feeling better than I have in my whole life, inside and out. I like these two pics because I am making essentially the same face so you get a good idea of the change.

It is possible. It will happen. I promise.

Love,

The New You

A Prayer for Self Love

Dear Old Me,

Through this journey I have found that one of the most important things I need to do is to love myself. I wear a ring that says "Nothing is Impossible" to remind myself that above all else I must love myself and by doing so the world is mine... I wear it on my wedding ring finger as a reminder that I must truly love me before anyone else will.

A while back during a very tough time in my life a friend recommended a book called "The Four Agreements". At first it seemed a little out there, but the concepts and ideas rang so true. It helped me realize that the words and actions of others have absolutely nothing to do with me. It helped me through a heart-breaking split with a good friend. I keep a copy of the book around at all times. I have given at least a half dozen copies away to friends and loved ones... and even one time a perfect stranger who happened to cross your path. The author also writes a book on love called "The Mastery of Love". I was pouring over it today. Soaking in the truth of what is most important... Self-Love. At the very end there is a prayer for self-love. It helps me to read it any time I start to doubt myself or start to take things too personally.

A PRAYER FOR SELF LOVE

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you help us to accept ourselves just the way we are, without judgment. Help us to accept our mind the way it is, with all our emotions, our hopes and dreams, our personality, our unique way of being. Help us to accept our body just the way it is, with all its beauty and perfection. Let the love we have for ourselves be so strong that we never again reject ourselves or sabotage our happiness freedom and love.

From now on, let every action, every reaction, every thought, every emotion, be based on love. Help us, Creator, to increase our self-love until the entire dream of our life is transformed, from fear and drama to love and joy. Let the power of our self-love be strong enough to break all the lies we were programmed to believe -- all the lies that tell us we are not good enough, that we cannot make it. Let the power of our self-love be so strong that we no longer need to live our life according to other people's opinions. Let us trust ourselves completely to make the choices we must make. With our self-love, we are no longer afraid to face any responsibility in our life or face any problems and resolve them as they arise. Whatever we want to accomplish, let it be done with the power of our self-love.

Starting today, help us to love ourselves so much that we never set up any circumstances that go against us. We can live our life being ourselves and not pretending to be someone else just to be accepted by other people. We no longer need other people to accept us or tell us how good we are because we know what we are. With the power of our self-love let us enjoy what we see every time we look in the mirror. Let there be a big smile on our face that enhances our inner and outer beauty. Help us to feel such intense self-love that we always enjoy our own presence.

Let us love ourselves without judgment, because when we judge, we carry blame and guilt, we have the need for punishment, and we lose the perspective of our love. Strengthen our will to forgive ourselves in this moment. Clean our minds of emotional poison and self-judgments so we can live in complete peace and love.

Let our self-love be the power that changes our life. With this new power in our hears, the power of self-love, let us transform every relationship we have beginning with the relationship with ourselves. Help us to be free of any conflict with others. Let us be happy to share our time with our loved ones and to forgive them for any injustice we feel in our mind. Help us to love ourselves so much that we forgive anyone who has ever hurt us in our life.

Give us the courage to love our family and friends unconditionally, and to change our relationships in the most positive and loving way. Help us to create new channels of communication in our relationships so there is no war of control, there is no winner or loser. Together let us work as a team for love, for joy, for harmony.

Let our relationships with our family and friends be based on respect and joy so that we no longer have the need to tell them how to think or how to be. Help us to accept others just the way they are, without judgment, because when we reject them, we reject ourselves. When we reject ourselves, we reject you.

Today is a new beginning. Help us to start our life over beginning today with the power of self-love. Help us to enjoy our life, to enjoy our relationships, to explore life, to take risks, to be alive and to no longer live in fear of love. Let us open our heart to the love that is our birthright. Help us to become Masters of Gratitude, Generosity, and Love so that we can enjoy all of your creations forever and ever, Amen.

**************************

Pretty awesome stuff.

Love,

The New You

Another shorty...

Dear Old Me,

I have been super busy... I need to post so I don't lose points. So here it is.

Love,

The New You

A quicky

Dear Old Me,

This is gonna be quick. I really don't feel too inspired right now. I do feel strong, but don't really have much to say about it. Maybe later. :-)

Love,

The New You

An ode...

Dear Old Me,

Is "Ode" a word? It sounds a little strange by itself, but it is the best word to describe how I feel right now. My heart sings. My soul is light and my world forever changed. So, I guess it is very, very appropriate...

Tonight I sing an ode...

An ode to family ties and bonds so strong that nothing can shake them.

An ode to fathers who truly love their children... no matter how those children become theirs.

An ode to daddies who adore their daughters (and sons) and know that when they twirl and shine (spotlight not required) that these wonders of life are spectacular and theirs to protect... forever.

An ode to mamas who know that what they do means the world and the world a million times over would never take their place nor be anything in comparison to the beauty and simplicity of "MOM".

An ode to sisters who are forever loyal and stand tall and strong for each other.

An ode to friends who laugh and shine together for no other reason than the sun is out and we have this one moment to make it happen.

An ode to love and life and everything that is wonderful right now...

My heart is filled to the brink. Not sure if I can handle any more... but willing to take a chance.

I hope this counts,

The New You

Jitters...

Dear Old Me,

This coming Saturday you are going to conquer a fear that has plagued you for a long, long time. You are going to go up on stage in front of strangers and dance, perform, put your self out there for everyone to see. This has been a long time coming and I think it is a perfect "coming out" for the new you. I just hope I don't fall on my face. I am so scared that I will be the one that ruins the entire performance. Ugh. I need to get over it!!! There is no backing out now! All you can do is dance your heart out and leave it on the stage. A smile creeps onto my face right now typing those words. Me? Leaving it on the stage. Whodathunkit? Not me that is for sure.

We have dress rehearsal tonight and I was so nervous about how I would look in my costume so I put it on. I am sure that this body does not belong to me. I am not sure how this happened. I know that I have never given up. Not giving up can and will get you what you want.

Now convincing yourself what you really want is to perform is the next step in this journey. Every class you teach will be a performance and you have to leave it on the floor. Oh god... now I am nervous about something else completely. I am going to end this letter before I have a panic attack.

Leaving it on the stage,

The New You

Don't believe the lies...

Dear Old Me,

You have been lied to, dooped, tricked, mislead, deceived. You must stop believing the lies. That voice inside your head is an expert liar. It tells you all the time that you aren't good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. You can't lose weight. It is way to difficult for you so you shouldn't even try. It tells you that eating those cookies will in fact make you feel better. It convinces you that you are okay being fat and unhealthy, that it doesn't matter. It tells you that you can't push past trials and hardships to come out on the other side so you might as well just give up. It tells you that nothing will ever be better. You agree with the liar and so that lie is your reality. It forces you to be stuck in this desperate, lonely place full of fear and darkness.

You must break free of the lies. When you hear those thoughts going through your head, squash them. Don't agree with them. This is the one area in your life it is okay, actually it is a requirement to have a wall against it. Build the wall strong and high so that the liar can't get over it. Start believing that you are good enough, smart enough, talented enough. You can lose ALL of the weight. There is nothing too difficult. In fact nothing is impossible, so you should try, try and then try again. If you eat those cookies you will actually feel much worse. Being healthy is one of the most important things you could ever do for you and everyone you love. If you persevere through even the hardest times you will come out the other side so much more strong than you could ever imagine. Things will be better. There is a place for you. A place full of laughter, friends, love and light and it is yours, but only if you stop believing the lies.

Basking in the sunshine of this beautiful life,

The New You

Dialing it in...

Dear Old Me,

I promise to post more tomorrow. I am really just dialing it in right now. Doing my game on duty for the day.

Love,

The New You

A toast (not a piece of toast, but a love letter to my friends)...

Dear Old Me,

Friends find the sweetest sense of happiness comes from simply being together.   
  
Love,

The New You

Eyelashes, people!!!

Dear Old Me,

Tell your friends you do eyelash extensions now. Only $50 for a limited time. Tell them they need to call you... now before the end of May. Your number is 801-759-5499... Mama needs to pay the rent.

Love,

The New You

Thank you...

Dear Old Me,

Many times a day I marvel at the fact that I am where I am. I am at my goal weight (when I first started my goal weight was 175... I just wanted to be "normal"). I had no idea that I would pass that goal and every day I see the makings of a strong, athletic, healthy body that I can live in for life. You have really put my body through a lot of hell and it is amazing that the life you want is unfolding in front of you and your body is obeying. At the end of each class as I cool down and stretch, I close my eyes. I feel the muscles getting stronger and leaner every day and it bring tears to my eyes almost every time. I usually can't help. It is a miracle that I am so grateful for.  I let a single tear fall as I quietly thank my body for forgiving me.

Until Next Time,

The New You

May showers...

Dear Old Me,

I had a chance to go to an old favorite ZUMBA class tonight. Tuesdays are usually pretty hectic so I can't typically make it. I used to go to Shae's classes all the time. She is a wonderful instructor. Her class was one of the first ones that I ever attended. I remember when I was so baffled by Cumbia and the whole lazy/sleepy leg thing that EVERYONE struggles with. She took the time to go over it with me in detail until it clicked. She took that extra few seconds to show me how my body should move to that particular rhythm. That connection and the realization that my body can and will move that way is super important to me and tonight I felt it again. I felt it on my way to class tonight. I could feel it in the brisk air and the bright green of all of the trees finally showing their true colors. Things were clicking then and they are clicking now. I feel like this is my time to make it happen and I can't miss this opportunity.

I know Shae will understand what I mean when I say that I love the way she moves and the fact that she is a girl with a  little (emphasis on little) junk in the trunk that she isn't afraid to shake. If it isn't shaking (uncontrollably, IMO) than you aren't doing it right! And her ways of describing the moves crack me up. They stay with me even now and I know other beginners like I was will relate and I can share them with the humor and empathy needed. OMG, I forget how much I adore her!

The rec center studio where the classes are held has big wall to floor windows. You typically can't see in or out of them because they get so steamed up due to all the booty shakin'. I love it! But this evening it was beautiful. The sun was hitting the horizon just the way it does so perfectly here in Utah. After days and days of rain it was finally bright and sunny. The golden rays reflected of the snowy peaks and when I looked out the window all I saw was the beauty of LIFE. Green, flowers, golden sunlight and me dancing like no one is watching...

As I stretched at the end of the class I was overcome with the feelings that completely engulfed my world two years ago. I started really focusing on my weight loss and getting healthy in May of 2009. I felt the same way then as I do now. Each day is a new opportunity. Each moment. Each step. Each time I breathe I have a chance to start over, to have my own "spring". I revel in these moments because they are the moments that keep me moving forward. Here's to spring and to new beginnings (as often as you need them).

April showers (and May ones apparently) bring... maybe JUNE flowers,

The New You

P.S. Check out Shae's schedule (this is no joke... and on top of all bazillion of these classes the chick also runs marathons. Real ones. Like 26.2 miles of running... straight. However, I digress. Here is her schedule:

Monday: 6am Running Club at LiveFIt7 Daybreak, 8am Aqua Zumba Daybreak, 930am Yoga DayBreak Academy, 4:30 Murray Zumba, Tuesdays: 9:00am Pum...p at Live Fit7 Daybreak, 11am Zumba Gold at South Jordan Rec, 12pm Zumbatomic South Jordan Rec, Teen Training 4:30pm at LiveFit7 Daybreak, 5:30pm Pilates T-ville Golds Gym, 7:00pm So Jo Rec Zumba, Wed: 8am Aqua Zumba at Daybreak, 9am Fitness Pilates Live Fit7 DayBreak, 1030am Zumbatomic Daybreak Art Academy, 530pm Zumbatoning, and 630pm Zumba at So Jo Rec, Thurs: 6am Running Club at LiveFit7 Daybreak, 930am Yoga at DayBreak Art Academy, and4:45pm Pilates and 5:15pm Zumba Select Health Friday: Aspire Pilates at 6am Zumbatoning, 8am Aqua Zumba at Daybreak, 10am Zumbatoning Live Fit7at Daybreak, and Fridays South Jordan Rec 12pm and Saturdays South Jordan Rec 9 am Zumba.

Dance like no one is watching...

Dear Old Me,

You know that saying "...dance like no one is watching..."? Well they really aren't watching. I have been thinking a lot about my ZUMBA journey. Trying to pinpoint when and how things happened to get me where I am today.

There is certainly one thing I know that changed my view point on exercise and cardio workouts. When I went to my very first class with Karine I was mortified. I had all the same fears that most people have about trying Zumba for the first time. I can't dance. I have no rhythm. I am too fat. I can't move like all those others that can dance... blah, blah, blah. I went to the class, sucked it up, blinked one time I think and suddenly the class was over. I was standing there drenched in sweat (a first for a self-proclaimed non-sweater I might add). And I was smiling!

During the entire class I never took my eyes off Karine. I did not even once look or notice any of the other students in the class. And I know for a fact not a single one of them took their eyes off of Karine either and never even saw a single step I took or any mistakes or slow movements of the others in class. We were all there together just shaking it along with the beat, feeling the music and losing ourselves for an hour. When it was over all I knew was that I had just experienced the best most exciting and exhilarating workout ever. I didn't know this was an option. I can work out and have fun? I was hooked. It was over for me right then and there. Love at first sight or should I say step. I never wanted to miss a class or make excuses not to go. :-) Every step since then has gotten easier and easier. I know I still have a lot to learn but I am so excited to keep on moving.

Until Next Time,

The New You

P.S. Check out Karine's summer schedule at http://www.zumbawithkarine.blogspot.com/. She is amazing and her Zumbatomic classes are going to be so much fun. I plan on taking Ryan for sure!!! Check out http://www.zumbatomic.com/ for info on the classes. :-)

It is technically tomorrow...

Dear Old Me,

I made a commitment to my Team Chica Sexy that I would post every day on this blog. I posted earlier but it is past midnight so this is going to be my post for tomorrow because I have a very strong feeling that tomorrow will be a day that I say FUCK it. Sorry if I offend. But right now I don't even care. I feel like all I do is for nothing. I feel like no one will ever understand how hard this "trip" has been for me. These are my feelings and they are unique to me and I am admittedly fighting back tears right now that are all mine, but I still wish that someone, anyone really understood how hard these last couple of years have been for me. I have done the hardest thing I could ever imagine doing and I feel like the lightning has flashed. It is blinding and cannot be ignored but I fear that my thunder is being stolen right before my eyes.

Hopefully these feelings will pass, but I am not sure if they will. I am only human and I am going to show it ALL here. This is MY place and I am just like you. I feel hurt. I feel the obvious victory of success. I feel the more private pain of failure. I feel the insecurities of the fat-so that we all struggle with and the confidence of the skinny-mini we all want to be. I feel that the world doesn't understand me and that I am never going to measure up. I try to do my best and realize that I am the only one who knows MY best is me.

However in my weakest moments, like right now, I cry. Ironically, I cry here alone for the years of total lonliness. I cry. Tears fall from my eyes because... maybe because I am selfish but I give every bit of me away. I can't think of anyone but me right now however I only worry about others. I want to just be happy. But I can't and it makes me cry. My only wish is that moments like these will someday be a thing of the past.

Hope springs eternal,

The New You

Consistency... is key.

Dear Old Me,

One thing that I know you are more than aware of is that consistency is not your strong suit. Well, I guess I should say it wasn't your strong suit. But things have changed. They have changed in one aspect of your life at least. Because clearly in others (for example, writing in this blog) you have some room to grow.

The one area that I have proven to be consistent is with my exercise. I know for a fact it is because I love it so much. I have uncovered a passion for dance and music that I knew was there, but never thought I could ever do. How could a 320 lb white girl with no rhythm and absolutely no dance experience (not even a single dance lesson as a kid) ever be a dancer. But it is happening... it is happening and it has helped me lose over 150 lbs!

There is no way in a million years that I would have ever stayed so consistent if I was doing a typical exercise routine like the treadmill or other types of aerobic classes even. There is something special and different about Zumba and dance in general. I don't want to take away from the glory of Zumba, but the core of Zumba is dance. Dance will set you free. It is what makes Zumba different and what is incredible is that anyone can do it. The creators of Zumba are inspired in the way they have created a program that allows anyone (yes, ANYONE) the opportunity to dance, the opportunity to feel free and unencumbered even if it is just for that one hour a few times a week. It happens by keeping "exercise" out of the equation or a side note at most. You know you are working harder than you probably ever have at a work out, but it doesn't feel like it. When you are done you are laughing, talking, SMILING! How is that possible? Dance. It truly is amazing and a miracle in my life.

It has given this former fat girl the opportunity for a richer, fuller, happier life full of love, friendship and passion. It has given me the opportunity to know that I can in fact be consistent. I can be consistent with one of the hardest aspects of my life, exercise. I am grateful for the gift that Zumba and dance have given me. I am now the healthiest I have ever been. I have the endurance and stamina equal to any other "fitness buff". I could with  training feel confident to do pretty much any workout from running to rock climbing. This has happened only because I have been consistent. I could love Zumba till the cows come home, but if I did not consistently go and put in the time than I would still be, well you. The unhappy, overweight, lonely, uninspired version of me. So in the end finding a workout you love is important but consistency is key.

I am going to make a serious effort to translate the consistency I find with exercise into other aspects of my life. Namely these letters. I commit to staying consistent and writing every day. Even if it is the most boring drivel and makes no sense to anyone. It will be here.

So, until next time...

The New You
(...now skinnier than you were in high school, YAY!)

O.o

Dear Old Me,

I know I could probably knock you over with a feather after I tell you this... but seriously today you stopped dating a guy because you wanted to exercise more than you wanted to see him. There will come a time when you will love yourself enough to say that you are THE most important thing and anything that distracts you from your happiness is not worth it.

See, told you that you would be shocked.

Until next time,

The New You

I am in it for life.

Dear Old Me,

It feels so amazing to not be afraid to move my body. To push it a little further than I thought I could and have it respond by becoming stronger feels like nothing I have ever experienced. I feel fantastic and I am worried that I am going to hit some kind of wall. I am worried that this “high” that I am on is going to go away and I will suddenly be back to the old me with no energy or lust for life. I am going to ignore these fears and worries as if they are not there. Today I am going to consciously deny that this new way of being will ever go away. It will always be this way. I will always have a drive and passion to use this body of mine. I will continue to share my story with anyone and everyone who will listen. It keeps it real and it keeps me inspired. This is who I am and this is who I will always be, except I will most certainly be better, but I will never lose this because I choose to keep it in my life. Each day I am stronger, healthier and happier than I could have ever dreamed. I am in for life. Hook, line, sinker.

Until Next Time,

The New You

Dialing it in...

Dear Old Me,

Some times you gotta do the bare minimum. And this is it.

Until Next Time,

The New You

It just keeps getting better.

Dear Old Me,

I know I am making progress. I know that not only am I losing weight to make myself the best possible version of myself physically, but I am changing in far more exciting and miraculous ways. I am becoming the best possible me on the inside.  

I knew I would feel better if I lost weight. I just had no idea how good I would actually feel. I feel resilient. Even when something happens that would make the old me wallow in misery I simply bounce back. I move on. I am learning it is okay to speak my mind. In fact it is more than okay. It is the only way it should be. I live in each moment and strive to live that moment to its fullest.

Every day just gets better than the last, and that is no small feat.

Until next time,

The New You

Zumba, Zumba, Zumba!!!

Dear Old Me,

Sometimes I wonder if how I am feeling about becoming Zumba certified and pursuing fitness and health as a potential career is typical for someone who has experienced a large weight loss. To be clear Zumba is just the first step in something I want to make a full time occupation. I am just so high on life and how good it feels to be active and social. I see that I inspire people and in turn they inspire me. I want that feeling in every interaction I have if possible.

I know to anyone who loses a lot of weight it feels liberating. I have heard a million times that it can change your life. Is this what they were talking about? Does everyone think they can become fitness instructors or is it just me? I truly feel so passionate about it and I want to do BIG things. In fact I have never felt so passionately about something in my life. Every time I think about it I get choked up and tears sting my eyes. I get downright emotional. I didn’t have this passion when I first started losing weight. Once I admitted that I actually wanted to become certified I felt extremely happy and content.

On the way into work this morning it dawned on me that I could really feel like this every day. I could love what I do and spend my days doing something that makes me happy. But am I just wacky off the endorphins and it’s all just my Zumba-high talking? After all this is the first time I have ever really worked out like this and been so consistent. I don’t really know if this euphoric state I find myself in all the time is temporary.  Could it last?  Would people listen to what I have to say? For now I am not going to question it. I am just going to let it happen. Well, to be more exact, I am going to MAKE it happen.

First things first, double Zumba. And did I mention that on May 6^th you will officially be a Zumba instructor? Well believe it, because like I said, I am going to MAKE it happen.

Until Next Time,

The New You