Sunday, September 9, 2012

Dear Old Me,
It really is crazy for me to look at the photos above. I am still not 100% sure this has really actually happened. It has been about a year since I lost the majority of the weight. I have managed to create a lifestyle that maintains this huge weight loss and I have not gained a single pound back since I hit 185 lbs. But in my head, in the craziness of my brain I am still that fat girl. When I look at myself in the mirror I still see her. It is crazy considering this morning I picked up a pair of Gap cargos that are size 10, pulled them up with ease, zipped and buttoned them only to find out they are a little TOO BIG! But to me it still felt like I was pulling on a plus size 28. I know I need to get over this hurdle. I have been stuck for a year with at least 30 more pounds to lose. I know I have come so far and I have the potential to make it all the way, but I am just as scared and hopeless now as when I stepped on the scale at that Weight Watchers meeting back in 2009 weighing 327 lbs. Only now I am afraid I can't change some of the things about my body that I don't like. I am afraid that the loose skin around my mid-section, upper arms and mid-section is not going to go away. I am not sure I am strong enough to do some of the more challenging exercise that I know will have to happen to get me to my goal. I am afraid I have damaged my feet so horribly that I may never walk again without pain. I am really afraid, but I am determined. It seems like when it is my time I just make up my mind and make it happen. That is what happened when I quit smoking years ago. That is what happened when I finally lost the weight. Why can't it happen for me NOW!? I am frozen here in this place with the looming self-loathing fear that I am not good enough. I need to get over it NOW! But until I do, I will keep on posting. Even if it is just sporadically.

I posted this picture of my "before" and "sort-of after" on Facebook a couple weeks ago and I got a ton of positive response. 

Pretty dramatic if I do say so myself. It is surreal to look at sometimes because it is proof positive that I am half the size I used to be. But I know I am not where I want to be. I know I am not the best example that I could be. I need to inspire with my actions and not just with a picture posted on Facebook. I put myself out there now I need to back it up. So maybe a renewed desire to prove that I actually have lost this weight is just what the doctor ordered. People see this picture and then meet me in person, I want their expectations to be met. I want them to be impressed in real life. I want them to be inspired to change their lives as well. I need to find the encouraging, positive thoughts that back up this story that I am on. I have to stop slacking and barely doing the minimum. I am happy to have found a balance in maintaining the weight loss. I am happy to know that I only have to do Zumba 3 times a week to maintain. What I am not happy about is that I know I could be doing so much more. I am not happy that my belly still has a fat roll around it or that my triceps are still so floppy. I am not happy that I don't have the best form when I lead class and that I am losing my stamina. So, what do I do to change it? I am waiting for it to click and until then I am not giving up on what I have done so far! 

It has been a pretty crazy ride so far and I want to keep it going... remind me how you got going  in the beginning. What was it that clicked that day in the Summer of 2009 when you decided to change your life.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,
The New You