Friday, May 20, 2011

It is technically tomorrow...

Dear Old Me,

I made a commitment to my Team Chica Sexy that I would post every day on this blog. I posted earlier but it is past midnight so this is going to be my post for tomorrow because I have a very strong feeling that tomorrow will be a day that I say FUCK it. Sorry if I offend. But right now I don't even care. I feel like all I do is for nothing. I feel like no one will ever understand how hard this "trip" has been for me. These are my feelings and they are unique to me and I am admittedly fighting back tears right now that are all mine, but I still wish that someone, anyone really understood how hard these last couple of years have been for me. I have done the hardest thing I could ever imagine doing and I feel like the lightning has flashed. It is blinding and cannot be ignored but I fear that my thunder is being stolen right before my eyes.

Hopefully these feelings will pass, but I am not sure if they will. I am only human and I am going to show it ALL here. This is MY place and I am just like you. I feel hurt. I feel the obvious victory of success. I feel the more private pain of failure. I feel the insecurities of the fat-so that we all struggle with and the confidence of the skinny-mini we all want to be. I feel that the world doesn't understand me and that I am never going to measure up. I try to do my best and realize that I am the only one who knows MY best is me.

However in my weakest moments, like right now, I cry. Ironically, I cry here alone for the years of total lonliness. I cry. Tears fall from my eyes because... maybe because I am selfish but I give every bit of me away. I can't think of anyone but me right now however I only worry about others. I want to just be happy. But I can't and it makes me cry. My only wish is that moments like these will someday be a thing of the past.

Hope springs eternal,

The New You


  1. Good for you for being so courageous and willing to be vulnerable.

    Acknowledging fears, validating feelings and then letting them go is so healthy. Keep up the good work. Part of losing the "physical" weight is losing the "emotional" weight. Looks like you are right on track! :)

    Learning to love the inner you is a lot harder than one would think.. When we lose the "negative fat beliefs" on the inside then the outside can follow.. Maybe that's what a real "fat head" is, you think?

    I'm still working on loving and accepting that inner being! But I got faith in you...


    Aunt Susie

  2. I don't ever want to be that scared loney person again. I am learning to let things go. To not judge myself most importantly, but also others as well. Thank you for your kind words. :-) I feel much better now.