I want this for life.

Dear Old Me,

In the last little bit I have been really noticing how much I have changed. You know when you live with something or someone every day, all day you don't really notice small changes. Losing weight and getting healthy has been a series of little changes. I know it might sound crazy but I haven't really noticed how much of a difference losing 150 pounds has made. It's been hard work and I have had to really stick with it, but I am really starting to notice. 

Sometimes it will be obvious and I can't help but see that I have lost a ton of weight. For example I can button a pair of pants that used to squeeze me so much it was uncomfortable or I go to the store to buy a new top and the sales clerk ushers me towards the missus side of the store when I begin to browse the 1X, 2X, 3X tops. It was actually quite funny. Not too long ago I was at a store I used to frequent quite often (they sell semi-cute plus size clothes) I was looking at the options, thinking to myself "Why do they never have cute, stylish stuff for big girls?" I held up a top, size 1X, happy with myself that I am actually looking at a 1X top and considering buying it instead of a 3X that back in the day would have probably been too tight. I thought it looked a little big on the hanger, but I was going to try it on. I grabbed a couple other items and headed back to the dressing room. I tried on the top. The seams on the shoulders practically hung all the way down to my elbows. The empire waistline was so loose you couldn't even see it. It was a tent on me. I tried on another top, same thing. 

I came out of the dressing room, probably with a look of astonishment on my face. I told the sales clerk I needed a smaller size and she offered to get it for me. I followed her to see if there were other styles, I was thinking that maybe it was just the style. She walked directly to the normal size racks. Pulled several different tops that she thought I would like. I did like them. They were cute and certainly not available on the other side of the store. 

We went back to the dressing room. She saw the items I had just tried on hanging in the room and apologized that they had not cleared out the dressing room from the last person who used it. She didn't think I needed those larger sizes. It did not even cross her mind that maybe that size would fit me. I looked at the sizes on the new tops. Large. LARGE. Not extra large, not extra, extra large. Large. And there was even a medium top! There was no way that they would fit me. I haven't come THAT far. They looked tiny hanging on the hanger there in the dressing room. Tiny, like clothes looked to me when I was 300 pounds and could not even fit a top like these over my shoulders, let alone wear them. They looked like doll clothes.

I took the first one off the hanger. I undid the button at the neck and pulled it over my head. It easily slipped down over my shoulders and settled comfortably around my waist. My back had just happened to be towards the mirror. I turned around. Looking at me, wearing the shirt I just put on was a miniature version of myself. My shoulders were small and my collar bones were delicate, but you could see the strength in the muscles I have built up with consistent work. My waistline was smooth, without a visible spare tire or muffin top. Instead of the roll of chub I call "my apron" hanging out from below my shirt and making my jeans not fit right there was smoothness from below my belt. And not to mention, I was wearing a belt. One that actually fit. I saw a version of myself that I liked. Not one that I could just tolerate. And I liked the way it felt.

I have made up my mind that I want to feel like this all the time. Not just on "good" days or when I find a pair of jeans that I "think" fit and hide my flaws. I want to always be able to run my hands down my sides and over my hips and feel tightness and not rolls of chub. I want this  for life. I will do anything and everything I can to maintain and improve myself.

I know you don't realize this now but this is who you truly are. Hurry up and make it happen!!!

Love,
The New You