Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Don't Stop Dreaming

Dear Old Me,

I am living a dream. A dream that I held onto for a really long time but never, ever thought would come true. I don’t ever want to take this for granted or forget the sheer astonishment that I feel right now at what I have accomplished so far. For years and years I felt like an outsider. I felt like someone who just didn’t fit in. Well, more accurately, like someone who just didn’t fit at all. 

I can honestly say that right now, in this moment I do not feel like that any longer. I am not ashamed to admit that I feel fantastic and I know I look as good as I feel. I used to dream about being normal. I used to dream of fitting into regular clothes and dressing feminine and cute all the time. It was near impossible for me to find clothes that fit, let alone clothes that flattered and were stylish. I am starting to feel like anything I put on will look and feel good because what is underneath looks and feels good. This morning I went to put on a pencil skirt (I bought this skirt about 2 months ago and was over the moon that I could actually wear a size 16). When I zipped it up it was obvious that it was several inches TOO BIG! It is way too big to wear for sure. So in a panic I started digging through my closet looking for an alternative outfit. I am still working with a limited wardrobe due to the fact that all my clothes keep on getting bigger (or I keep getting smaller :-) ) and I can’t afford to keep up with it! I found a pair of size 12 (SIZE 12!!!!!!) Gap trousers that my friend gave me a long time ago buried at the bottom of a stack of pants. She had given them to me with a bunch of other size 14 and XL clothes that have since hit the “give away pile” as well. I never even tried these pants on before today. When I first got them I could tell when I held them up that I wouldn’t be able to pull them up over my knees. I felt like there was no way that I was ever going to be able to wear them, but I was hopeful so I held onto them.  I distinctly remember thinking “I can only dream that I would ever be that small”. They don’t have any stretch to them. They are in no way, shape or form “fat pants”. I know to a lot of people size 12 is BIG, but to someone who has worn a size 30/32 it is tiny.

Well, I am happy and proud to say that I am wearing them. And I am wearing them well. No muffin-top. No seam-pulling. Nothing bad about the way they look at all. It is just me, wearing size “normal” pants (and heels to boot!). I am living my dream and I intend to keep making it a reality. It has been the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done, all at the same time. It feels natural to me and I feel like I have barely scratched the surface. I have officially shed the layers of desperation and I am ready to take on the next challenge without fear or self-doubt. If it feels this good now I can only imagine how good it will get. I want it ALL. I want the hard work, the sore muscles, the victorious feeling as I reach each milestone to my goal weight. Every time I have an experience like this it motivates me that much more to keep going.

If only I could reach back in time and let you have even a taste of how good this feels. I know you would start today, without hesitation. You would do whatever it takes to make it happen. It is worth all of the hard work, sweat and tears (both happy and sad). It is possible and you have the strength to do it.


The New You